SCARS

 

Scars are not only visible, they run skin deep. Some scars heal over time and then there are those open wounds that just can’t seem to form a scab… -MissLIV

 

This is not an easy thing for me to share but I feel it’s necessary because I’m not the only one who struggles with the SCARS!  A while back in previous posts I shared with you all about my encounters with physical, emotional, spiritual, verbal and psychological abuse i endured as a child, as a teen and as a young woman. It’s been 3 years going on 4 that I have distanced myself from the people and situations that have hurt me and tried to destroy me. How can one say to a friend “My Father Beats Me!” and my family covers it up.

 

I never forget how we used to all go to Church together and put on happy faces as if nothing happened at home. I never forget how when my Father punched me in the chest and face for the last time how my Grand Mother stood there and made an excuse for his behavior basically making it my fault. I never forget the times when I wanted to share my hurt and pain with her but she just turned a blind eye because she didn’t want to hear the truth even though she saw it with her own eyes. I never forget the time when my boyfriend and I at the time went to go visit my Father at a Half-way house and it was near my high school graduation time and I wanted to share my future plans with him. No matter what I shared he just seemed to find a reason to spoil my hopes and dreams. I got frustrated as I always do with him and I threw a soda can on the floor and immediately he punched me in my face and busted my lip. My boyfriend too a walk outside after that because he didn’t know what to do. I went home with a swollen busted lip and the incident was swept under the rug as if nothing happened.

My Father hated me so much that he always found a way to hurt me be it physical punches, slaps, kicks, name calling and then turn around on Sunday morning playing the good Deacon in Church knowing full well he was a monster behind closed doors. I grew up very angry and felt as though nobody cared about me because they knew the hurt but did nothing. I felt like nobody had my back and they are supposed to be my Family.  I guess they too were afraid and cared more about what others would think if they found out that their Deacon abused his daughter.

We never really had a Father daughter relationship due to his many visits to prison and being absent in my life.All I knew was my Late grand Father and Grand Mother because they were raising me and they were who I knew.  I didn’t care for him to be in my life even when I was a child because of how he talked to me every time that we would have a conversation or whatever the situation would be  he found it necessary to call me names or just simply put his hands on me for whatever reason. I couldn’t have normal  relationships because the man who was supposed to be the example failed poorly. None of my boyfriends or friends could understand what it was that I was going through. They probably wouldn’t have wanted to be believe it themselves. I cried a lot because I didn’t know how to get it out. I was very withdrawn as a teen and climbed into a box by the time I became a woman.

 

I fell into depression at one time where I thought that I was going to have to go away just to get better. I felt ashamed and those experiences have haunted me for years. The last time he put his hands on me I thought I was going to jail.  I wanted to end it once and for all and for  the first time in my life I was faced with DEATH and LIFE and i only had seconds to choose one or the other. He knew it! Because he seen it in my eyes and it scared me to the core of my soul because I was almost an inmate. I thank God for being there with me because there would have never been a MissLIV persona formed, there would have never been any articles, music, interviews etc… I just would have been another statistic. I would have been another story told of a tragic domestic situation gone wrong and a future destroyed OH HELL NAWL!!!

I have SCARS, scars that have yet to heal and I have wounds that only the most high can soothe.

What You Know Bout Me?

 

It’s funny how people claim to know a person based off  their own perceptions and what they think instead of actually knowing who a person truly is. We are all guilty of believing in our own beliefs and assumptions as to what a person may look like, how they dress and so forth. In order to know a person one should just simply get to know them. I think it’s some what hurtful to assume a thing without knowing all the details and knowing full stories. Grown men and women till this day will rely on someone else’s perception instead of finding out on their own. I’d like to share a few things about myself that some may not know and hopefully this will put to rest all the wondering and guessing.

 

“She probably has a sponsor”, they say…

Nope! Everything that I posses comes from my pocket. I work a 9-5 plus my blog and others. I don’t rely on favors and/or gifts from men to pursue my goals, (Never Have) nor do I do any favors to get anything in return. All of what you see came from me and working hard is all I know.

“She has expensive taste”, they say…

Nope! I know where to shop and thank God I’m a petite little thing because it’s so easy to shop for a woman of my stature and size. If it catches my eye and it looks great on me, I’m buying it. I shop mostly at Burlington and Ross for name brand shoes and designer pocketbooks. Yes! I know how to look like $$$$ without spending $$$$. ‘Red Bottoms’  Please! ain’t nobody got no Red Bottom money and I’m not going to act like I do either LOL! There are some nifty consignment shops in the City that have brand new designer pieces if your into labels, me not so much. I just go for what looks good!

 

What you know bout Me? -Miss, LIV

 

“I know she got  lot of men calling and texting her phone”, they say…

Nope! The majority of the males I encounter are for business and of course there are some that may want more than a business relationship but I make it clear that I do not mix business with pleasure and I’m not into fly by nights. Now! There are exceptions to this rule it just all depends on the person and what their motives are for wanting to get close to me. I get much respect from my male counterparts, so if any man feels threaten don’t be.  Man up! And approach me I won’t bite…..

” She like them muscle-bound dudes, I know she do”, they say…

Nope! It’s nice to look at a nice body and a healthy looking physique of course, but I’m attracted to a regular looking kind of man. What I mean by that is that I’m highly attracted to a man who has his own style what ever it may be. I like it when I see men who look different from everyone else, he’s a leader and not a follower and he can set his own pace. I’m so not into the stupid Dark Skin VS Light Skin mess. If you look good in your skin than you look good. I like a man with a little meat on his bones, nice teeth, nicely groomed facial hair (Facial hair is a must, why because it’s manly and it’s a turn-on) and he must smell heavenly. It does something to me when I smell a man with that “OOOOAAAHHH” cologne on LOL! Smelling good will make me get in my CREEP bag.

Oh! How could I almost forget that I have a thing for HAND’s, yes HAND’s. I don’t know what it is but he has to have nice clean hands. I will honestly not date or be intimate with a guy with funny looking hands LOL! I can’t, it’s just one of them things. (PAUSE! CTHUP! LMBO!) I’m so serious…

 

 

Lastly! I’m very particular of who I allow to be in my personal space, so if you happen to be one of those special people, that means I genuinely like you. My only motive is to gain knowledge and to just simply be in the company of good people. I never been one to jump on banned wagons and I’m definitely ain’t no groupie. I don’t expect anything from anyone but to be who they are good, bad and indifferent. So please don’t assume or believe others perception of what they think they know. So my question is What You Know Bout Me?

Official

I guess you can say I’m official NOW! because I finally landed my first PAID writing gig last evening. I was in total shock to hear someone say “Can you write for me?”. For a whole year I wondered if others read some of my work or even found my work to be even interesting to read. I tried to tap into every source that I knew to promote my work and affiliate myself with some of those who knew more than me or even knew people who I should have been talking to, to further my career in writing. Needless to say many of those who I contacted or inquired about learning more about my craft failed to contact me.

When one gets paid to do what they love, it’s PRICELESS…

Meanwhile, during the no call backs, follow backs etc… I still manage to keep up my momentum during my journey. I attended many events in 2013 that has opened many other doors and placed me around people that shared the same passions, desires and goals such as myself.  I got worried, impatient and even thought about giving up because I didn’t see things going the way I thought they should have. But no matter what I still kept going.

So Official! 

Getting that call made me feel at ease and that let me know that all my hard work was not going unnoticed. They went on to exclaim how they liked my writing style and was referred by a friend and they wanted me to help them write their life story. Can you say WOWZA! LOL! I was honored and a little intimidated at the same time. Finally! There is someone out there that actually believes in my work and they like it so much that they would entrust me with their life story.  I’m gonna have to get used to saying the word ‘Client’ from now on.

I just can’t believe that I’m finally living one of my dreams, it’s actually surreal as of this moment. And to think that all this started from a little girl who would day-dream and think so BIG that her dreams would start to come true. Ms. Official is her name …..

Miss, LIV -PhillyBayBEEy
#MissLIV #OnTHERISE #CHACHING